I despise reading. It's not a pleasure, it's a chore.
I am a late diagnosed dyslexic. I was 32 when I was told. All through school I had been unable to read large amounts of text, the words simply disappeared as I moved my eyes along the lines and
I would see little white stars blocking out letters. They would twinkle at me.
It turned into a bit of a game at first. I would read in circles, trying to "catch" the words back in their place. I could read big chunky texts and I read well, but as the books got longer and the pictures that were a welcome break in the paragraphs got less, the more I struggled.
There were a bunch of tricks I used to try and make it work, I was and still am, a huge day dreamer. Fiction was easier because I could get lost in the screen play in my mind. Every character and setting was played out in there like a TV series. This made me a slow reader, but it worked. Non-fiction I just couldn't get through it. I learnt to listen in class and make stories in my head about what was being said.
There was no revision timetable for my exams, I would sit up all night the night before an exam and slowly, very slowly read a paragraph at a time, then scribe it out into bullet points with doodles to prompt me too.
I passed English Lit with an A having never managed to read any of the books all the way through.
Lucky for me Blockbusters was around and I could rent the TV Mini Series of each one. Then it was on to college, which I loathed. The text books were huge and daunting. I would glance over at the stack of them in my room every so often and grab my hockey stick or football to go and play at the many different clubs I escaped to every day after school.
I failed College, scraped through the exams with the lowest possible marks but I was happy to be out of it. The biggest surprise of all is that I didn't realise I had a problem. I thought it was normal. I told myself I was just tired. Then it changed to uninterested, then lazy, can't be bothered. I didn't even realise I was actually avoiding reading. I left education at 19 with a bag of GCSE's and a High School Diploma.
It wasn't until I was 32 and at my son's Parents Evening that the penny dropped. The teacher wanted my eldest to be tested for dyslexia, and explained that she was dyslexic and how sometimes when she read there would be gaps in the pages.
So, thats not normal then? That doesn't just happen to everyone?
For the last couple of years I had moved from Accounts work to being a Medical Secretary, I loved it but would dread opening the daily post and typing dictated letters. I would get physically drained of all energy trying to get through it. The next day at work, opening the post, I saw it. I opened a letter, it was a particularly long one, and almost immediately put it aside to open the next one. Why? Because the words had started to disappear. I didn't even realise I was working around a visual disturbance in my every day life. Like it was just normal. The next letter was brief and my eyes scanned the page, not across, but round and round trying to get the gist of the GP request before the white lights started to twinkle. The next letter I started to read then looked away from the page. Then looked back and continued to read, something I had been doing for years and I now realised it was to give my eyes time to calm down and also to try and visualise what was being said in the letter.
A visit to the GP followed, as did eye exams which concluded I have a visual disturbance in my left eye, which is in line with some dyslexic symptoms. As an adult there is no specific testing or help. Thats it, end of the road. If you want dyslexic diagnostics you have to pay £100's privately and after that there is still nowhere to go. When you are diagnosed as a child you get help, support, extra time in exams, but as an adult thats it. You are just told.
The more I talk about it, the more of us I find. We all got through school with varying degrees of success and we all have different types of issues. My main regret is that now I have some very hard habits to break. Even with a coloured acetate sheet to calm the visual disturbances, I still read in circles. I still visualise everything I read. I still look away from the page and have a little day dream to rest my eyes.
Its a huge shame that I still do not enjoy reading, it's stressful. If I'm honest I am a bit jealous of those that love to read. "Get stuck into a good book" is something you will never hear me say - although I do wonder what it might be like to do that.
Having to work around it all my life has given me some great tools. I have an analytical mind, I love to organise and problem solve. Because I had to sort things out in my mind and store it, I naturally have become a mental storage unit, dealing with 4 or 5 things at a time. I also had to have systems in place to make sure I didn't miss things, something that has helped me in my home and working life. I am a visual person, so often see in pictures - using social media for my business I am always making posters and visual tools to help bring in the business. I had to listen, relying heavily on what people would say in class and socially. Now, I am in the business of people - I am a people person. I love to work with people and build relationships, meeting all kinds of new people.
It also gave me a huge imagination, I have always been told that I am delightfully different. There's a running joke in the family about "Liz Speak". I see a whole different slant on the everyday and can recall in immense detail, the little things. A huge family event with big announcements, and I remember that my little brother learnt to whistle that day, and where he stood when he did it and how he walked as he was doing it.
All the twists and turns of life, what you excel at and what you have to trudge through to get to the other side it all adds layers to your lifes work. I may never enjoy a book, but I have audio :) I now run my own business that revolves around people, and getting up and out and doing things.
If you have had a similar experience I would love to hear from you - what have you learnt, how you have you dealt with it.
Every day just verifies it's not about what you can't do - it's what you can do that counts.
